Disclaimer: Gonzo owns Vandread. I own...
extant
by ngan nguyen
Just a year ago I would have laughed at the idea of men and women living together. Now here I am, living it and liking it. Somehow the thought of passing men in the Nirvana's halls, of talking with them, of fighting with them doesn't disgust me. It's more shocking to consider all I've done in the past than to realize that I can rely on a man to watch my back and have him place same trust in me. How quickly and drastically things can change!
I couldn't say when it stopped bothering me or when I stopped fighting it, when the thought of being friends with a man made me smile instead of incredulous. I've changed, for better or worse, and I'm not the person I was a year ago. I finally see that now. I understand it now. There was no time to stop and think then-one thing happened after the other: finding the men, the Nirvana, our sudden and lonely war against Earth, our desperate flight to return home, and putting everything on the line in that last ditch battle-of course I couldn't appreciate everything as it was taking place. I was too busy just living in the moment, getting through each fight to live another day, trying to change everything around me; I never had a chance to see what it was doing to me.
Don't get me wrong, I can still be rash and impulsive and things are busier than ever. It's just a different kind of busy. We don't have to worry about Earth attacking us for its perverse harvest. We've won a peace, and it feels good... and strange. It seems to me I've always been fighting. To stop now is almost a shock. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if things had turned out differently. If we hadn't won, would I be dead, parts of me harvested to be used by the Earthlings or obliterated into stardust? And what if we won the battle, but not everyone had survived? What if she had never returned with me?
And that's my real problem. Her. Sometimes... during all the fighting... sometimes I wouldn't notice her. Sometimes... when I finally stood up and shouldered my responsibilities... sometimes I forgot about her.
What if she had never come back? Would I have just forgotten her then? It scares me when I think about it. It's a silly thought, of course, a waste of time to even consider. We did win and everyone had come back. It's over and done with, unchangeable.
But... but what if?
I wouldn't forget her. I couldn't. It's like exquisite torture thinking about life without her, gone forever, a phantom living only in my memories: untouchable, unheard, unreal. It could have happened. And who could I have blamed? Her? No... No, she chose to fight, just like I did. The decision was ours and we made it, every one of us, but in the end, what choice did we have? I couldn't have stopped her, to keep her safe or for her own good. We needed every able fighter we could get and... I would never cage her like that. Not even... not even if I knew what it would cost me.
I could never make consciously make a decision that would make her unhappy and of bad decisions I made plenty. Then there are those that I didn't make, ones I never thought I would need to make for a long time yet that I would have regretted to the end of my days. I've never really thanked her for all she's given me, her brand of confidence, strength and security, just by lending me her presence, for being by my side, at my back, anywhere without my ever having to ask. I've never told her just how beautiful she is in my eyes, how much I enjoy just seeing her, taking in her magnificence, her grace, and her twinkling eyes, so expressive, threatening to drown me, wanting to drown in them forever. I've never said the words that mean everything, the ones that say how I feel when she looks at me, when I hear her voice, when I feel her touch, when she makes me the center of her attention and the whole world becomes silent.
But she's never done any of these for me either. Would she have these same regrets?
And why should we have rushed to get these things done? We had all the time in the world to take things one step at a time, to explore and be explored. We were confident that the other would always be there, watching and waiting while everything moved inexorably forward, bearing us with it toward our destination-together. We knew how we felt, and that was enough to satisfy us. No one ever mattered to me like her. Does she feel and think the same about me?
It's easy to judge her when you first see her. Most think she wears her emotions on her sleeve. One look and the words "shallow" and "scatterbrained" might as well be written on her forehead. That's not who she is, though, not even close.
She's strong, determined, and brave.
She's gentle, caring, and considerate.
She's a friend, a pilot, and a leader.
She's beautiful-inside and out.
I love her.
"Barnette! Are you listening to me?"
I gaze at her, my beautiful, strong, loving Jura, and assure her I am.
******
Aw, come on, everyone knows these two are an item and a cute couple besides (not to mention natural considering the environment they live in). Jura and Barnette didn't get explored enough in the series, so I felt that deserved a little fic. I know, I know, Barnette is probably out of character, but I'm always doing that, it almost seems natural to me now. I hope you still enjoyed it though.
December 17, 2002