(insert Red vs. Blue theme)
Drew829 Fan-Fictions Presents
Red vs. Blue: the Spartan Pirates
Tis' the Season to Forget People
(end theme)
At the Nirvana's Garden
Jura, Simmons and Grif were looking up at a tree with unlit Christmas lights on it with Tucker on a ladder with two power cords in both hands.
Simmons: Okay Tucker, hit it!
Tucker: Okay.
Tucker the connected the two power cords. The sound of failed electricity was heard and the lights come on...dimly.
Grif: That looks perfect! Merry Christmas everybody.
Jura: Perfect?! That looks like crap. Half of the lights are burned out.
Grif: I meant perfect by our standards.
Jura: Oh this sucks.
Grif: That's not the holiday spirit!
Simmons: Holidays? Christmas is about snow and family and turkey. Not a bunch of busted lights and drinking Donut's egg nog out of an old oil can.
Meanwhile, at the Cafeteria
Donut was, as you guess it, was giving people his egg nog out of an old oil can and was asking Sarge a question for the past half hour.
Sarge: No Donut, for the last time, I don't wanna know what the secret ingredient is!
Back to Grif and the others
Grif: Simmons, holidays are when you think about more than just your own wants and needs.
Tucker: Yeah. You should be thinking of people less fortunate than you. And that makes you feel better, because those suckers are chumps, and who wants to be a chump?
Grif: No-body. Chumps are a bunch of punks.
Simmons: But what about our missing friends like Lopez and what about your buddy Church? He's still lock up in a cell for putting that stink bomb in Meia's dread during Thanksgiving. Don't you remember last year when we were all together back home? It was swell.
Tucker: Miss Church? Do you remember last year?
Flashback: Last Year...in Blood Gulch
Simmons and Grif are standing by the Red's tree in Blood Gulch, done up with a handful of Christmas ornaments.
Simmons: Well, uhgh, it's not much Grif, but it's ours. Merry Christmas, old buddy.
Then, out of nowhere, a sniper shot takes out one of the ornaments.
Simmons: What the hell?
Grif: Hey!
They both look up at the cliff where Tucker and Church holding a sniper rifle were standing.
Church: Oops! Looks like you lost one of your ornaments, pricks! I guess this year it's not "Ho Ho Ho," it's just... "Ho Ho!"
Church then fires the sniper rifle again which took out other ornament.
Church: Booya!
Simmons: Cut that out, asshole!
Grif: Yeah!
Church: Oh! Now you got just one ho!
Tucker: ...I wish I had just one-
Church: Oh shut the fuck up, Tucker.
Tucker: What, that was gonna be funny.
Later
Caboose, Donut and Church standing somewhere in the box canyon as Caboose tells them what he wants for Christmas.
Caboose: Aaand this year, I'm going to ask Santa for, a pony. ...And a cowboy.
Church: I think there's something you should know about Santa. Come here.
Church walks over to Caboose and started whispering something into Caboose's ears
Church: (whispering) Whisper whisper boyfriend whisper whisper.
Caboose: No!
Church: (whispering) Yeah he used to be a chick, too. Whisper whisper.
Caboose: Noooo!!!
Caboose then ran away back to the Blue's base as Church started laughing.
Church: haoh, where ya going? Hey, you really want a pony? I got something I could put down your throat. That'll make you a little hoarse. Heh heh heh. (to Donut) What're you lookin' at?
Later, again
Tucker and Church were near Sheila taking about something.
Tucker: Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.
Church: Christmas is in seven hours moron.
Tucker: I know. If you wait until last minute you get all the good deals.
Church: Ah just get everybody the same thing, that's what I did.
Tucker: Let me guess. Everyone's getting a lump of coal.
Church: Fuck no! You know how much coal costs? Like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! You're all gettin' a lump of smoal.
Tucker: What's smoal?
Church: It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing, except when you burn it, it doesn't make any heat, just makes smoke.
Tucker: Huh- what? How does it make smoke with no heat?
Church: How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.
Meanwhile, inside Red Base
Sarge had Grif, Simmons and Donut come inside to tell them something.
Sarge: I have some bad news, fellas. I just got a memo from Command.
Grif: What is the war over or somethin'?
Sarge: No, even worse. Apparently Santa has signed an exclusive deal with the Blue team. He's gonna be wearing a blue Santa suit for the next five years.
Simmons: Are you sure that someone from Blue team didn't send that as a joke?
Sarge: No Simmons, we're definitely on the naughty list for the foreseeable future.
Simmons: Come on, are you sure about this?
Sarge: Of course! It came from Command! It's signed by a, Korporal Dick Goesinya. Wait a second! Corporal isn't spelled with a K!
Later (for the final time), outside of Blue Base
Tucker was next to a tree, with a present under it, with Church
Tucker: Church, it hasn't been the best holiday, but I think I found the perfect gift for you. Merry Christmas buddy.
Church: I thought we agreed not to get each other anything this year.
Tucker: No we didn't!
Church: Oh. Well, maybe I'm mistaken.
Tucker: Mistaken? You specifically told me to get you something.
Church: I did?
Tucker: You gave me a catalog with stuff circled in it.
Church: Huh. Doesn't ring a bell.
Tucker: You set a budget for us, between three hundred and three fifty.
Church: Oh well, I guess it's just one of those things.
Tucker: Fuck you, I'm keeping it.
Church: Tucker, isn't Christmas the season of giving- Holy Shit, blue Santa!
Tucker then turned around to see
Tucker: Where!?
He then turns back only to see the present, and Church, gone.
Tucker: Aw crap.
Flashback Ends
Simmons: Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it is better that Church is in a cell this year.
Tucker: Yeah, Christmas is the one day of the year you should never miss Church.
Church: (out of nowhere) Ah, forget it douchebags! You're all still gettin' lumps of smoal!
Tucker: Ah crap.
Have a Merry Christmas From Drew829 Fan-Fictions